Pride and Prejudice: Condensed! beta version
by Nera Mornit
Summary: It's not finished, but Jacqueline Sherry has been bugging me to do this, so I posted the part I have done. It's a parody, intended to be read WITH the book, not as a replacement. 'Beta version' is just a way of distinguishing it from Jaqueline Sherry's
1. Random Statement

(A/N: I am not Jane Austen either. Just an annoyed/frustrated student. Now, for the sake of congruity...)

**Random Statement:**

Welcome, everybody, to _Pride and Prejudice: Condensed! (beta version)_

For starters, I don't hate _Pride and Prejudice_. It's actually pretty good compared to the book that shall remain nameless that we are reading now.

If you even remotely like this one, you should try reading _Pride and Prejudice: Condensed! (alpha version)_ by Jacqueline Sherry, as she is the one who kept bugging me to post this.

Happy reading!


	2. Volume I

A/N: I am not Jane Austen. Just an annoyed/frustrated student.)

Chapter One: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. WTF? Yes this somehow applies to Bingley... Moving on.

Chapter Two: The Bennets prepare to go to the ball.

Chapter Three: The Bennets prepare to go to the ball. Then, unexpectedly, in an ingeniously brilliant plot twist that nobody sees coming--they go to the ball.

Chapter Four: Jane thinks Bingley is swell. Elizabeth tells us that this is her usual state. Darcy is an evil hermit. Or so we think...(ominous sound effects)

Chapter Five: The Lucases live nearby. Charlotte is an unmarried, passed over spintress. Elizabeth likes her anyway. Darcy is an evil, yet obnoxiously rich hermit.

Chapter Six: The Bingley Twits come to visit. They are mean. Mary has no talent. Darcy is an evil, rich, antisocial hermit who nonetheless loves conversation because it gives him the opportunity to use his powerful intellect to make people feel powerfully stupid.

Chapter Seven: Jane goes to dinner with the Twits and Mr. Swell. Darcy the Hermit puts in an appearance. Due to her mother's stupidity, she gets sick. Therefore Elizabeth must walk three miles across two fields, a bog, and a stile, not to mention a whole lot of mud, and come to her rescue.

Chapter Eight: Lizzy goes to dinner. The Twits try to insult her, but fail stupendously. The Hermit thinks she has fine eyes, but for now, he's still evil.

Chapter Nine: Elizabeth stays with Jane to help her through her oh-so life-threatening head cold. Jane gets better. Mrs. Bennet shows up to crash the party. The Hermit now thinks Elizabeth has _very_ fine eyes, but must remain evil for several more chapters lest the novel be too short.

Chapter Ten: The Twits act obsequious. Caroline (hertoafter known as Twit #1) wants the Hermit, but he is oblivious to and/or aggravated by her advances. He is oh-so bewitched by Elizabeth, who thinks he is very un-amiable. Jane is recovered enough from her case of the sniffles that she might be able to leave her room for a few minutes.

Chapter Eleven: Mr. Bingley is whipped and oblivious. Twit #1 asks Elizabeth to join her in the strenuous, high impact exercise of strutting in front of the Hermit. It works for Elizabeth, but Twit #1 fails miserably, and the Hermit thinks she is about as attractive as the interior decoration of the Tower of London.

Chapter Twelve: The Hermit is secretly enthralled by Elizabeth, but doesn't want her to know he thinks she is swell, because her family is very un-swell. They go home and the Hermit is relieved that the Bingley Twits will no longer tease him for thinking that the low class semi-poor girl from the irritating, un-swell family is the swellest woman ever to march across two fields, a bog, and a stile and still have fine eyes.

Chapter Thirteen: Mr. Collins sends a letter informing the Bennets that he's going to drop by to survey his future property and mooch off/marry his cousins.

Chapter Fourteen: Collins the obsequious monkey comes town. He is whipped by the mysterious, imperious Lady Catherine. No one likes him, but he likes himself enough to make up for it.

Chapter Fifteen: Collins wants to marry Elizabeth, but only because Jane is taken. Wickham the universally adored one shows up.

Chapter Sixteen: Wickham the universally adored one tells Elizabeth that Darcy is not just an evil, rich, antisocial hermit, but miserly as well. He is obviously lying, but no one notices because he is universally adored.

Chapter Seventeen: There is going to be another ball! Oh joy! Oh rapture!

Chapter Eighteen: They go to the ball. Mrs. Bennet, Mary, and Lydia act like slightly less pompous versions of the Twits. Elizabeth dances with the Hermit, who refuses to refute Wickham's rumors, thus drawing out the story and making him seem like and eviler, antisocial-er, stingier hermit.

Chapter Nineteen: Collins proposes. Elizabeth is disinclined to acquiesce to his request. He thinks she's just playing hard to get.

Chapter Twenty: Mrs. Bennet is disinclined to acquiesce to Lizzy's request and will never speak to her again if she doesn't marry Collins, but Mr. Bennet agrees with his daughter and says he'll never speak to her again if she _does_ marry the Obsequious Monkey.

Chapter Twenty-One: Collins the Obsequious Monkey marries Charlotte Lucas.

Chapter Twenty-Two: Charlotte, amazingly enough, agrees. Mr. Bennet is annoyed.

Chapter Twenty-Three: Mrs. Bennet is angry because she doesn't want Charlotte Lucas to have her house. She doesn't seem to care that Mr. Bennet will die before this happens.

(A/N: I don't own _Pirates of the Caribbean_ either.)


End file.
